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Time for my second Friendsgiving query critique! When I saw this Viking-inspired middle grade query in the inbox, I nabbed it right away. Check it out: Dear (Agent), Thirteen-year-old Pippa is an impulsive Viking girl who spends tedious days caring for her beloved, sick aunt. She longs to be reunited with her father, who was whisked away by a malevolent cloud when she was six. All she remembers of him is that his beard smells like pine. Pippa and her older brother are stunned when their father sends them a warning to hide. Despite their efforts, the cloud returns—and this time it takes Pippa’s brother. The magic-wielding Bards on her island want Pippa to stay put--but she’s done with hiding. Pippa might be the cloud’s next victim. She fears for her brother, but Pippa’s no coward. Gutsy, armed with her father’s dagger, and determined to defeat the mysterious cloud—she vows to find her family. Pippa’s unlikely group of friends secretly commandeer a Viking longship. They brave ruffians and fickle oceans in the Scottish Hebrides while uncovering clues to find her missing brother. Desperate, Pippa trades away her voice for a spell to defeat the sinister cloud. She’s elated when her brother is nearly saved, until a close friend betrays her. Pippa realizes she may have traded her voice for nothing—and lost her brother in the process. LIKE A RICH JEWEL is a middle grade fantasy novel steeped in ninth century Norse and Celtic folklore. It is complete at 71,000 words. The novel can stand alone but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration. Best Regards, (Author) (Author’s contact info) As with my previous critique, this is already a relatively good letter. It’s clear you did your research on what to include. As it stands right now, it feels a little stretched to me, like you have too much of the story included with not enough details about each event. In fact, I think you could end the pitch after your third paragraph, beef up the details provided, and have an even stronger query. Here are some thoughts:
Dear (Agent), Thirteen-year-old Pippa is an impulsive Viking girl who spends tedious days caring for her beloved, sick aunt. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this opening line, it doesn’t hook me. Try to rework it into what she wants. “Thirteen-year-old Pippa longs to journey into the treacherous Scottish Hebrides to find her long-lost father. Instead, she is forced to stay home and care for her beloved, sick aunt.” She longs to be reunited with her father, who was whisked away by a malevolent cloud when she was six. The whuhh…? We need a little more information about this cloud up front. Does she know what the cloud is or what evil force is behind it? Is there folklore in her village that explains it? I’d spend a few more words on setting up what this cloud is and why it’s so dangerous. All she remembers of him is that his beard smells like pine. Meh, you can probably take this line out and put more emphasis on the rogue cloud. Pippa and her older brother are stunned when their father sends them a warning to hide. Again, we need a little more information here. She hasn’t been able to find him for years, but he can send a message to them? Is he magic? Beef this up a little. “Pippa and her older brother (you can name the brother here, if he’s a main character) are one day stunned to hear their father’s voice coming out of his old sparkly Barbiemobile, which they thought had fallen silent forever. It gave them a warning—tell the village to hide up in the Cave of the Wandering Dingbats, or else fall prey to the evil cloud. Despite their efforts… (etc)” Despite their efforts, the cloud returns—and this time it takes Pippa’s brother. The magic-wielding Bards on her island want Pippa to stay put--but she’s done with hiding. This is good—it tells us what forces are working against Pippa. Pippa might be the cloud’s next victim. She fears for her brother, but Pippa’s no coward. Gutsy, armed with her father’s dagger, and determined to defeat the mysterious cloud—she vows to find her family. Like I said, I’d end the pitch here with a more solidified idea of the stakes. Because we don’t know much about the cloud beyond that it takes people, it’s hard to say exactly what risk Pippa’s taking. Family bonds are a good universal concept that everyone can relate to, but I think you can punch it up a little more. If the cloud isn’t stopped, will it just keep taking people from her village? Will it spread, or grow stronger? Leave us with a sense that the problem has stakes beyond just her family (even though that’s important). Pippa’s unlikely group of friends secretly commandeer a Viking longship. They brave ruffians and fickle oceans in the Scottish Hebrides while uncovering clues to find her missing brother. Desperate, Pippa trades away her voice for a spell to defeat the sinister cloud. She’s elated when her brother is nearly saved, until a close friend betrays her. Pippa realizes she may have traded her voice for nothing—and lost her brother in the process. LIKE A RICH JEWEL is a middle grade fantasy novel steeped in ninth century Norse and Celtic folklore. It is complete at 71,000 words. The novel can stand alone but has series potential. Excellent. This is where you would put comp titles, if you have them. “Readers of (A Book, by An Author) will enjoy the Vikings and clouds and Barbiemobiles.” Most queries will have a brief bio of the author at this point. Even if you don’t have writing credentials, it’s a good idea to give the agent a little idea of who you are. “I am a Barbiemobile assembly manager and lead bodhran player in my Celtic rock group, the Scurvy Thistlepunchers.” Thank you for your time and consideration. Best Regards, (Author) (Author’s contact info) Good letter. Cut it down and punch up the rest to really make it stand out. Thanks for sharing, and good luck querying! Don't forget to join us on Twitter this coming Friday (December 2) at 4 PM and 8 PM for a chat about writing, querying, and publishing! Bring yer tough questions and keep an eye on #FFChat. For the other Friendsgiving Feedback critiques, see: Michelle Hauck, author of GRUDGING and FAITHFUL Laura Heffernan, author of AMERICA'S NEXT REALITY STAR Liana Brooks, author of HEROES AND VILLAINS series Sarah Remy, author of THE BONE CAVE Among so much bad news, we are all in need of a ray of light. I figured the least I could do is put together a short critique workshop to raise spirits and maybe help some writers. So a small group of five published authors has come together to offer query critiques for the next two weeks to culminate in a twitter chat about querying, publishing, and just any questions we might be able to help you with. We will do a query critique every day starting on November 21st and plan to give first priority to marginalized writers, "own voices" stories, and stories with diverse characters, worlds, and challenges. Your manuscript does not have to be completed. You just need a completed query letter. A large group of winners will be randomly drawn from the rafflecopter and their query letters requested. Then each of our participating authors will choose from the available entries and post their critique on their blog or on mine along with their feedback. Hopefully we can all learn more about the writing process from the breakdowns of these query letters! Our twitter chats will be December 2nd, the first at 4:00 pm EST, and the second at 8:00 pm EST under the hashtag #FFChat. Each will last an hour. We'd love for you to post some questions ahead of time down in the comment section. There's not much time so enter the rafflecopter quickly. And please help us spread the word under #FFChat. Links to the finished critiques will be given under that hashtag also. Here is who we are:
Emily B. Martin
Park ranger by summer, stay-at-home mom the rest of the year, Emily B. Martin is also a freelance artist and illustrator. An avid hiker and explorer, her experiences as a ranger helped inform the character of Mae and the world of Woodwalker. When not patrolling places like Yellowstone, the Great Smoky Mountains, or Philmont Scout Ranch, she lives in South Carolina with her husband, Will, and two daughters, Lucy and Amelia.Blog Twitter
Liana Brooks
Liana Brooks writes science fiction and sci-fi romance for people who like fast ships, big guns, witty one-liners, and happy endings. She lives in Alaska with her husband, four kids, and giant mastiff puppy. When she isn’t writing she enjoys hiking the Chugach Range, climbing glaciers, and watching whales.
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Laura Heffernan
Laura Heffernan is living proof that watching too much TV can pay off: AMERICA'S NEXT REALITY STAR, the first book in the REALITY STAR series, is coming from Kensington’s Lyrical Press in March 2017. When not watching total strangers participate in arranged marriages, drag racing queens, or cooking competitions, Laura enjoys travel, baking, board games, helping with writing contests, and seeking new experiences. She lives in the northeast with her amazing husband and two furry little beasts.
Some of Laura's favorite things include goat cheese, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica, the Oxford comma, and ice cream. Not all together. The best place to find her is usually on Twitter, where she spends far too much time tweeting about writing, Canadian chocolate, and reality TV. Follow her @LH_Writes. Laura is represented by Michelle Richter at Fuse Literary.
Sarah Remy
In 1994 Sarah Remy earned a BA in English Literature and Creative Writing from Pomona College in California. Since then she’s been employed as a receptionist at a high-powered brokerage firm, managed a boutique bookstore, read television scripts for a small production company, and, more recently, worked playground duty at the local elementary school.
When she’s not taking the service industry by storm, she’s writing fantasy and science fiction. Sarah likes her fantasy worlds gritty, her characters diverse and fallible, and she doesn’t believe every protagonist deserves a happy ending.
Before joining the Harper Voyager family, she published with EDGE, Reuts, and Madison Place Press.
Sarah lives in Washington State with plenty of animals and people, both. In her limited spare time she rides horses, rehabs her old home, and supervises a chaotic household. She can talk to you endlessly about Sherlock Holmes, World of Warcraft, and backyard chicken husbandry, and she’s been a member of one of Robin Hobb’s longest-running online fan clubs since 2002.
Find Sarah on Twitter @sarahremywrites and her Blog
Michelle Hauck
Michelle Hauck lives in the bustling metropolis of northern Indiana with her hubby and two kids in college. Besides working with special needs children by day, she writes all sorts of fantasy, giving her imagination free range. A book worm, she passes up the darker vices in favor of chocolate and looks for any excuse to reward herself. Bio finished? Time for a sweet snack.
She is a co-host of the yearly contests Query Kombat and Nightmare on Query Street, and Sun versus Snow. Her Birth of Saints trilogy from Harper Voyager starts with Grudging and Faithful. She's repped by Marisa Corvisiero of Corvisiero Literary. Twitter Facebook page |
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