Friendsgiving Query Critique Number 2!

Time for my second Friendsgiving query critique! When I saw this Viking-inspired middle grade query in the inbox, I nabbed it right away. Check it out:

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Dear (Agent),
Thirteen-year-old Pippa is an impulsive Viking girl who spends tedious days caring for her beloved, sick aunt. She longs to be reunited with her father, who was whisked away by a malevolent cloud when she was six. All she remembers of him is that his beard smells like pine.
Pippa and her older brother are stunned when their father sends them a warning to hide. Despite their efforts, the cloud returns—and this time it takes Pippa’s brother.
The magic-wielding Bards on her island want Pippa to stay put--but she’s done with hiding. Pippa might be the cloud’s next victim. She fears for her brother, but Pippa’s no coward. Gutsy, armed with her father’s dagger, and determined to defeat the mysterious cloud—she vows to find her family.
Pippa’s unlikely group of friends secretly commandeer a Viking longship. They brave ruffians and fickle oceans in the Scottish Hebrides while uncovering clues to find her missing brother. 
Desperate, Pippa trades away her voice for a spell to defeat the sinister cloud. She’s elated when her brother is nearly saved, until a close friend betrays her. Pippa realizes she may have traded her voice for nothing—and lost her brother in the process.
 LIKE A RICH JEWEL is a middle grade fantasy novel steeped in ninth century Norse and Celtic folklore. It is complete at 71,000 words. The novel can stand alone but has series potential. 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 Best Regards,
(Author)
(Author’s contact info)

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As with my previous critique, this is already a relatively good letter. It’s clear you did your research on what to include. As it stands right now, it feels a little stretched to me, like you have too much of the story included with not enough details about each event. In fact, I think you could end the pitch after your third paragraph, beef up the details provided, and have an even stronger query. Here are some thoughts:


Dear (Agent),
Thirteen-year-old Pippa is an impulsive Viking girl who spends tedious days caring for her beloved, sick aunt.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this opening line, it doesn’t hook me. Try to rework it into what she wants. “Thirteen-year-old Pippa longs to journey into the treacherous Scottish Hebrides to find her long-lost father. Instead, she is forced to stay home and care for her beloved, sick aunt.”
She longs to be reunited with her father, who was whisked away by a malevolent cloud when she was six.
The whuhh…? We need a little more information about this cloud up front. Does she know what the cloud is or what evil force is behind it? Is there folklore in her village that explains it? I’d spend a few more words on setting up what this cloud is and why it’s so dangerous.
 All she remembers of him is that his beard smells like pine.   
Meh, you can probably take this line out and put more emphasis on the rogue cloud.


Pippa and her older brother are stunned when their father sends them a warning to hide.
Again, we need a little more information here. She hasn’t been able to find him for years, but he can send a message to them? Is he magic? Beef this up a little. “Pippa and her older brother (you can name the brother here, if he’s a main character) are one day stunned to hear their father’s voice coming out of his old sparkly Barbiemobile, which they thought had fallen silent forever. It gave them a warning—tell the village to hide up in the Cave of the Wandering Dingbats, or else fall prey to the evil cloud. Despite their efforts… (etc)”
Despite their efforts, the cloud returns—and this time it takes Pippa’s brother.


The magic-wielding Bards on her island want Pippa to stay put--but she’s done with hiding. 
This is good—it tells us what forces are working against Pippa.
Pippa might be the cloud’s next victim. She fears for her brother, but Pippa’s no coward. Gutsy, armed with her father’s dagger, and determined to defeat the mysterious cloud—she vows to find her family.
Like I said, I’d end the pitch here with a more solidified idea of the stakes. Because we don’t know much about the cloud beyond that it takes people, it’s hard to say exactly what risk Pippa’s taking. Family bonds are a good universal concept that everyone can relate to, but I think you can punch it up a little more. If the cloud isn’t stopped, will it just keep taking people from her village? Will it spread, or grow stronger? Leave us with a sense that the problem has stakes beyond just her family (even though that’s important).

Pippa’s unlikely group of friends secretly commandeer a Viking longship. They brave ruffians and fickle oceans in the Scottish Hebrides while uncovering clues to find her missing brother. 
Desperate, Pippa trades away her voice for a spell to defeat the sinister cloud. She’s elated when her brother is nearly saved, until a close friend betrays her. Pippa realizes she may have traded her voice for nothing—and lost her brother in the process. 
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LIKE A RICH JEWEL is a middle grade fantasy novel steeped in ninth century Norse and Celtic folklore. It is complete at 71,000 words. The novel can stand alone but has series potential. 
Excellent. This is where you would put comp titles, if you have them. “Readers of (A Book, by An Author) will enjoy the Vikings and clouds and Barbiemobiles.”
Most queries will have a brief bio of the author at this point. Even if you don’t have writing credentials, it’s a good idea to give the agent a little idea of who you are. “I am a Barbiemobile assembly manager and lead bodhran player in my Celtic rock group, the Scurvy Thistlepunchers.”

​Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
(Author)
(Author’s contact info)
 
Good letter. Cut it down and punch up the rest to really make it stand out. Thanks for sharing, and good luck querying!

Don't forget to join us on Twitter this coming Friday (December 2) at 4 PM and 8 PM for a chat about writing, querying, and publishing! Bring yer tough questions and keep an eye on #FFChat.

For the other Friendsgiving Feedback critiques, see:
Michelle Hauck, author of GRUDGING and FAITHFUL
Laura Heffernan, author of AMERICA'S NEXT REALITY STAR
Liana Brooks, author of HEROES AND VILLAINS series
Sarah Remy, author of THE BONE CAVE