Friendsgiving Query Critique

Happy Thanksgiving to all near and far! Today I am thankful for authors and artists working to make the world a better place, and for the opportunity to critique a fun and unique spin on the jinni-in-the-bottle story! 

​Here is the original query:

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​When Zahara, a young and not-so-terrifying Jinn from an ancient and evil family, is conjured up by a hapless but well-meaning New Yorker, she finds herself thrust into a battle to save the world from one fallen angel…and save her heart from another.

Complete at 90,000 words, SUMMONING ZAHARA is an adult fantasy novel for readers of Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files and Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles.

Zahara has high expectations for any sorcerer brave enough to summon her to do his nefarious bidding, and Daniel Goldstein succeeds in satisfying exactly none of them. 

She needs to trick a human into giving up his soul to impress her infamously evil mother. He's dealing with a recent break-up with his boyfriend and his Jewish grandmother's ghost. His bubbe has reached out from beyond the grave to tell him to raise a mighty Jinn to stop two fallen angels. The nymphomaniacal, shopping-obsessed Zahara isn’t exactly the otherworldly ally Daniel had in mind. A not-so-evil sorcerer who wants to do good wasn't what Zahara was looking for, either.

 Stuck in a magical contract with each other, the two travel to Morocco, where Zahara’s handsome friend Zaid, a Jinn who's converted to Islam, reluctantly joins their quest. As Daniel and Zaid struggle against paranormal mercenaries, bumbling terrorists and their attraction to one other, Zahara is forced to join forces with the fallen angel's gorgeous but infuriating brother to stop a plot to throw the human and Jinn worlds into a cataclysmic war.

A neurosurgeon by day, I blog about Middle Eastern mythology at (website URL). Unlike my protagonist, I can't pop over to Morocco in a swirl of pink brimstone and fire when I feel like it, but my vacations there have given me some wonderful inspiration for my novel.

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​So, right off, I’ll say that this is already a good query letter. You’ve clearly done your research on what details to include and not include, and you convey the tone and setup of your story very well. Not only does this bode well for your letter, it says good things about your manuscript, too. I think with just a little bit of clarity and polish, you’ll have a really strong letter than will hopefully catch an agent’s eye.
 
When Zahara, a young and not-so-terrifying Jinn from an ancient and evil family, is conjured up by a hapless but well-meaning New Yorker, she finds herself thrust into a battle to save the world from one fallen angel…and save her heart from another. This is a good "elevator pitch" for your book, but it's not needed in your query unless an agent specifically asks for it. Three main sections are generally sufficient: the hook, the book, and the cook. Basically, introduce your main characters and the stakes of your novel, then provide details like word count and genre, and then give a little relevant info about yourself.

Complete at 90,000 words, SUMMONING ZAHARA is an adult fantasy novel for readers of Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files and Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles. This is tough because it’s such a subjective thing, but it’s often best to jump into the stakes of your novel and leave the nuts and bolts for the end. Now, I know there are some agents who say the opposite, so don’t feel like you have to hold fast and true to this. And certainly, if an agent has a specific format they provide, follow that. But you have a really strong opening sentence below, and I think you may be better off starting with that.

Additionally, I'd break down and re-word this section. Consider: SUMMONING ZAHARA is a 90,000-word epic fantasy. Fans of Jim Butcher's THE DRESDEN FILES will enjoy x (insert what would appeal to them, and do the same for Hearne). Also, keep your book title formatting parallel---either do all caps or italics, but not both.
 
Zahara has high expectations for any sorcerer brave enough to summon her to do his nefarious bidding, and Daniel Goldstein succeeds in satisfying exactly none of them. 

Like I said above, this is a strong sentence, and I would start with it. It introduces the tone, main characters, and main conflict right off the bat. However, I think it would benefit from being shorter and more concise. You can do this by splitting it into two sentences, and giving me a different transition than "and." Try: ...to do his nefarious bidding. Unfortunately, Daniel Goldstein succeeds...

She needs to trick a human into giving up his soul to impress her infamously evil mother. The main thing I tripped over here was the switch in motive. The previous sentence led me to think you would tell me why Daniel is unsatisfactory. I would answer that question first before switching to her motivation. Additionally, you've given me part of the stakes here, but not all of them. Why does she need to impress her mother? Is there something her mother has that she wants, like her goodwill or special powers? What's at stake for Zahara? He's dealing with a recent break-up with his boyfriend and his Jewish grandmother's ghost. I first read this as him breaking up with his boyfriend AND his grandmother's ghost. Remember agents are often reading quickly, and you don't want them to have to do a double-take. I'd get rid of the mention of his boyfriend---you allude to his sexual orientation in the next paragraph, so unless his breakup is part of the reason Zahara finds him unacceptable, it's probably not needed here. Also consider adding punchier language than "dealing with." Is this a normal occurrence for him? Is it surprising, or inconvenient, or tormenting? Making your word choice just a little more colorful can convey more of his situation without adding to your word count. His bubbe has reached out from beyond the grave to tell him to raise a mighty Jinn to stop two fallen angels. From doing what? Clearly it's something evil and significant---give us a better idea of the stakes.  The nymphomaniacal, shopping-obsessed Zahara isn’t exactly the otherworldly ally Daniel had in mind. I'm a little confused as to how you're portraying Jinn. Having Daniel "raise" a Jinn makes me think of the classic jinni slumbering for thousands of years, but "shopping-obsessed" makes me think they live average, daily lives like humans.  A not-so-evil sorcerer who wants to do good wasn't what Zahara was looking for, either. This is where you might put the sentence about what's at stake for Zahara.

Stuck in a magical contract with each other, the two travel to Morocco, where Zahara’s handsome friend Zaid, a Jinn who's converted to Islam, reluctantly joins their quest. The conversion to Islam also confuses me in terms of what your Jinn are and what they do. Practicing organized religion seems so pedestrian for a mighty Jinn. Giving us a peek into your worldbuilding might help---is this just a world where Jinn and sorcerers and ghosts are ordinary beings that live ordinary daily lives? As Daniel and Zaid struggle against paranormal mercenaries, bumbling terrorists and their attraction to one other, Zahara is forced to join forces with the fallen angel's gorgeous but infuriating brother to stop a plot to throw the human and Jinn worlds into a cataclysmic war. Okay, we got a little scrambled here. I thought Zahara had been raised to stop the angels? Even if there's a bait-and-switch in the story, it might be too much to introduce in your query. Remember, you just need to entice an agent to request pages. At the very least, I'd split this sentence into two.

Also, is this a multiple POV story? You haven't mentioned that it is, but you're putting equal emphasis on both Zahara and Daniel, including setting up a romantic arc for him and another character, which tells me he's a joint protagonist. However, your title only mentions Zahara, and below you mention just one protagonist. If this is primarily Zahara's story, put more focus on what's at stake for her, particularly in this paragraph. What does she want, and what's stopping her from getting it? What good thing will happen if she succeeds? What bad thing will happen if she fails? On the other hand, if it's not just her story, make sure to mention it's multiple POV.

This is where I'd put the "book" paragraph: title, word count, genre, and comps.

A neurosurgeon by day, I blog about Middle Eastern mythology at (website URL). Unlike my protagonist, I can't pop over to Morocco in a swirl of pink brimstone and fire when I feel like it, but my vacations there have given me some wonderful inspiration for my novel. This is a great little bio section---it gives your relevant background and strengthens your voice without being too wordy.

Thank you for your time and consideration, Exactly the right closing for a query letter. Well done!

​I realize that looks and sounds like a lot of edits, but like I said, I think you're almost there. Give us a more concrete idea of what your protagonist (or protagonists) want and what the implications of their actions are. Solidify your world just a little bit more to give us a sense of tone and scope. Overall, excellent job!

Thanks for offering your letter for critique, and good luck querying! 

For the other Friendsgiving Feedback critiques up to this point, see:
Michelle Hauck, author of GRUDGING and FAITHFUL
Laura Heffernan, author of AMERICA'S NEXT REALITY STAR
Liana Brooks, author of HEROES AND VILLAINS series